The Bald Reality

Prologue

It was a scorching July afternoon, 12 years ago. Everything is so vivid in my mind as if it happened yesterday. The occasion was my “Mundan” (Head shaving) ceremony. I still remember the flash on the barber’s razor as he approached me. I sat quietly bearing testimony to a plethora of failed attempts of subversions and rebellions. And then it occurred- The Ambush.

The barber, whom by now I perceived as a person hardened in sin, with his murderous strokes took less than 10 minutes to annihilate everything that once occurred on the top of my head. My eyes must have moistened when I first met my skinhead image. Yes, I became different, rather abominably different. In the brute school boy’s slang I became a TAKLU and that meant I was out of contention for any pretty girl’s companionship. To cut the long story short- I Was Devastated.

Present Day

I'm working with one of the biggest firm in the world. I feel strong and reborn for I am independent now. The vigor of youth is in its full bloom and I am about to step in the real world. What can possibly go wrong now? But wait, something is wrong. Do I notice a receding hairline of my image? No way, it’s an illusion. There is no ghoulish barber to perpetrate his evil designs on me. My parents don’t have a say in my life anymore. It just can’t happen. But it’s true, I am indeed losing hair. The tufts of hair in my comb have heralded the advent of my baldness. It’s like watching promo of a horror show with me in the lead role. Am I destined to become a grotesque, slap head with shining tonsure? And as most middle aged men become, what will happen if the condition is supplemented with a pot belly? It’s brooding time.

But hey, I am not alone. There is an entire battery of young men who do not take much pride in their coiffure either. Consequently, products like vitalizers, Hair loss creams etc. are sell away hits. Batra clinic has made a booty selling empty hopes to balding young men. Weird smelling, purported “magic potions” have made our lives miserable. When the chemicals failed to cultivate any extra hair, people ran to Yoga phenomenon Baba Ramdev, who suggested rubbing fingernails against each other. The result was hapless people performing the prescribed gesture assiduously. However, hair growth still remained elusive.

So, what do we blame our deficiency on comrades? Is it our genes or the bloodline is the culprit? But wouldn’t that be tantamount to demeaning ourselves? There is a constant threat from our hirsute counterparts as we approach the age of marriage. How do we market ourselves then?
I suggest a two pronged approach to tackle the situation.

1) Capitalizing on superstition

I once heard a village lady saying that bald head is a sign of wealth and intelligence (Did someone call out Sabeer Bhatia?). We can mask our handicap by these preposterous sayings. Let’s be grateful to the institution of arranged marriage and the male dominance in our social set up-the girl doesn’t have much say anyways.

2) Glamour

Let’s vote for bald stars in youth icon competitions. Let Ronaldo be the youth icon for 2007, Vin Diesel the following year and so on. We shall distribute free DVDs of Bruce Willis’ movies in colleges. We will start a signature campaign commending Britney Spears’ head shaving stunt drawing parallel between her bald head and her newfound depression less persona. Let us remind people that David Beckham peaked his popularity when he sported the skinhead look.

Epilogue

I am confident that by implementing the suggested ways we can supplant the stigma associated with losing hair with pride for whatever we are. This is indeed a noble cause for it has been entrenched in the human psyche that a receding hairline attracts repulsion and unacceptability. A lot of time, money and effort are being wasted to galvanize the outer layer of our persona just to fit in this superficial world. No one seems to be caring anymore for the inner beauty which can light up the space you walk into.
This seemingly funny work is an effort on the part of the author to depict the dangerous monkey business that we have been trapped into. Sometimes humor enshrouds in it the reality. The Bald reality.

P.S. While this article was being composed, renowned hair stylist Javed Habeeb announced the expansion of his Salon industry to tier-2 cities.